(so i was listening to some melancholy music and thought, fuck it, might as well write a fic! it’s angsty and outside my brand a bit but i promise next time we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming.
angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship)
“It’s my fault,” Tony says dully.
He’s sitting on the couch, a stack of papers in his hand. Steve closes the door carefully, kicking off his shoes and slowly rounding the corner into the darkened room. There’s a glass of seltzer water on the table; Tony wants a drink.
“What’s your fault?” Steve asks.
Tony huffs, a jagged sound, and waves the papers in the air. His hands are shaking. “The adoption agency turned us down.”
Steve feels something drop out of his chest.
“It was, ah – my alcoholism. Past alcoholism. Couldn’t risk it.”
“You don’t know that,” Steve says numbly, even as he runs through the other possibilities. Was it their lifestyle? Was it their jobs as superheroes, was it their sexuality? Was it how busy they were, was it how often they were in danger, was it just that they weren’t good enough people?
Tony snorts, shakes his head. “They’ve approved other people in dangerous situations,” he says. “I doubt they approve alcoholics.”
“Stop,” Steve almost snaps. “Jesus, just -“ He sighs, dropping down onto the couch text to Tony. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll be okay.”
Tony just shakes his head. It’s hard to tell in the darkness, but Steve can just make out the glint of tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, voice rough. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to give you a baby.”
Steve doesn’t say it’s okay, because it isn’t okay. He and Tony wanted to have a family: wanted to have a kid to teach and raise and love, wanted to expand their family to include one more. Wanted a high chair at the kitchen table, baby socks kicking from the couch, toys strewn over every available surface.
“It’s not your fault,” Steve says, wrapping an arm around Tony’s shoulders. Tony almost falls into him, tucking his face up against Steve’s neck. “And even if it was, I would forgive you.”
Steve feels the way Tony’s breath hitches, the warm wetness against his neck, and has to press his own eyes closed against a wave of tears.
“We’ll be okay,” he manages, tightening his grip around Tony’s shoulders. This isn’t what they wanted, not at all, but it’s what they need: each other. No matter what, Steve still has Tony. “We’re going to be fine.”
The rejection letter is a bold white in the darkness. Carefully, Steve pries it from Tony’s grip and sets it on the coffee table. Then he closes his eyes and buries his face in Tony’s hair. He doesn’t need to look at that tonight.
and, more interestingly, in tony’s case: as a wannabe entrepreneur going through training and seminars and stuff, i was personally advised that, if i think my hands might betray lack of confidence (trembling, fidddling with shit, excessive face-touching, etc), i should keep them loosely out of sight or try to talk using them, while compromising chest openness as little as possible (ie, don’t fold your arms across your chest) (which, by the way, tony does A LOT throughout all movies, and it’s a huge huge huge hugE defensiveness/insecurity body language tell, but anyway, that’s a whole other post)
tony seems to be pretty aware that his hands are the achilles’ heel of his Fake Confidence ™, and indeed
check out that right hand. if you watch it in the movie, you’ll see that he keeps clenching it and unclenching it
the thing with the hands also places tony’s drinking in a very particular place. some alcoholics do develop the compulsion to not only drink (obviously), but also to physically hold a glass when they are feeling pressured, or [whatever emotion that’s associated with the urge to drink]. smokers might develop a similar thing (think about people who hold unlit cigarettes between their fingers even when they’re trying to stop)
(Kill Me, he doesn’t let go even when they’re being attacked. he actually holds on tighter, Kill Me)
also, this stance seems to be particularly prominent in avengers movies, which implies that this is where tony’s felt the most conscious urge to deliberately project confidence
which, you know. clearly means he was feeling insecure as fuck the whole time
@tonystarktogo sounds like the kind of aticle you might like (what do you mean I’m trying to trigger your bitterness ? xD)
@feelingsinwinter HOLY FUCK WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘TRYING’ YOU’RE FULL ON SUCCEEDING YOU BEAUTIFUL MEAN SOUL!!!!! I can’t even ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CHOKE ON MY BITTERNESS JUST WHEN I TRIED TO DO THAT ADULT THING I’VE HEARD RUMORS ABOUT AND ‘LEARN TO LET GO’ IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANNA TELL ME????
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